Ideas and writing sometime in one of my 2025 college semesters

From my perspective, college is a solo venture; even if I find peers to discuss things with, it falls on me alone to do the assignments, quizzes, studying, labs, and lecture notes.

So other people become a waste of time as it relates to school because I am efficient.

I don't make an effort to talk to my classmates because 80% of them would ask for help at some point and I don't want them thinking they have leverage over me

And I get done with all that, or have days without any school at all, and open up a game I once enjoyed. It has all become the same actions, every day the same as the previous, the enjoyment I once felt from the novelty laid aside for the comfort of the familiar. Realizing this, I exit the game "to think."

I put on some music to drown out the noise of the fan coming from my bathroom that reminds me of the walls that surround me, and get lost in thought.

Half an hour passes, and I hear my roommate come back from work. I check the time and realize it is 4 pm, and I have done next to nothing today.

I reheat my dinner in the microwave for 5 minutes, standing with my eyes closed and my ears full, wishing that it would either be all or nothing when my roommate came out of his room.

On some days, he comes out and says hi, and after looking at him for a second or two, I just head back to my room when my food is ready; on other days, I creep back to my room and resign myself to another day without human contact.

Either way, I feel the same as ever, wishing there was something more, but not expecting anyone around me to provide that.

Believing quite assuredly that I am the one who must be responsible for this life I live, but also taking on none of the personal responsibility to try and change it, I focus on emblems of what I miss.

Connection, trust, betrayal, freedom, an opponent, a goal, a reason, but most of all, hope.

I want to truly feel something outside of my expectations.

The moments pass again, and at last, my life resolves itself into a paradox that only I know the workings of but cannot hope to possibly solve. Comforted by the idea that it is difficult, and that the solution lies outside of my hands, I waste my time until the assignment I didn't do keeps me up past midnight. Even without the assignment deadline, I still feel no reason to go to bed early. Who is there to be excited for, except those who hang on the coattails of responsibility and routine?